Sunday, 24 August 2014

The Re-Awakening

I woke up one day, logged into blogger and the words that spilled onto the page did not contain my voice. They weren't "me" and I wasn't happy to publish a post that felt flat. It didn't seem right. I tried multiple times over the next week or so to sit down and write a post, but each time I became disenchanted with the words on the screen and backspaced. As I typed and backspaced and typed again, I thought "why aren't the words coming out properly? Why am I not enjoying this?" With each failed attempt at collating a post, I started to realise that the words weren't coming out properly because they were forced. Each post I attempted to write was not "me". They were cookie cutter reflections of countless other lifestyle posts I see all the time. They lacked the imagination and flair with words that I so love and they lacked the unique piece of the writer (me) which I believe every blog should have.

I stopped attempting to write, feeling flat and deflated and negative.

I stopped reading many of the blogs on my bloglovin' feeling flat and negative and unable to differentiate between one writer and the next.

My unread posts climbed into the thousands and I stopped reading blogs at all except for the odd one written by a close friend who linked it on Facebook and I felt relieved. Never before have I felt relieved to not go anywhere near a blog. I knew then that something was wrong.

As time went on, I started to forget how to blog. As even more time went on, I felt sad as I realised it's possible I never truly knew how to blog at all. I started Little Foal as Because I Said Sew in 2012 when I was 18. It started out as a sewing blog, but I soon realised that I didn't sew enough for an entire blog to be centred around it, so I started writing the odd lifestyle post, posts about things I'd thrifted and it evolved into Little Foal. I started reading more lifestyle blogs around this time, and started to see many of the "small" blogs I'd followed boom. I craved that acknowledgement and success, and I began to model my blog on others that had those things. While I've always thought that Little Foal held a piece of me, and showcased my unique voice, recently I've begun to doubt myself.

I think a part of this doubt comes from the realisation that my taste is still developing, as are my interests, and therefore this blog should be evolving with me as I explore different styles, experiences and hobbies. In some ways it has, but in many ways it feels static to me. It feels more like a product of the blogging community than a product of my mind, and for that I am sorry.

Over the past few weeks, I have considered starting a new blog entirely, starting a second blog focusing on my health/midwifery and, at some times even giving up blogging altogether, but I realise now what an amazing, important thing Little Foal is to me. As much as it's content feels static to me, as much as I have come and gone and come again to this blog, it showcases a very important transitional part of my life, and I think I will treasure that in years to come. For now, Little Foal will continue to be, with a fresh new design and with new content that is true to my voice and to me. I want to look back on this blog in years to come and see my true interests, passions, thoughts and feelings. I want to be able to write freely, and find my niche whatever that may be, and however many times that might evolve as I evolve and become a better version of "me". I understand that my new direction may not be to everyone's taste, and I accept that. No longer will I blog for numbers or follow the crowd. You can like it or leave it, but you will always be welcome in my corner of the internet as I journey through the next chapter of my life. If you're still reading this, thanks for sticking with me,

Yours truly,

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