Tuesday, 9 July 2013

6 Reasons Why Australia Is Worth Visiting (AKA Where the Bloody Hell Are Ya?)

Okay, so a lot of my devoted readers are from the UK, and since I sort of flit around in UK blogger circles, some are quite surprised when they realise that I live in Australia. Maybe it's my use of proper English which confuses them (have I ever said mate or G'day on here?) or maybe it's the fact that I don't seem like a convict? Either way, it stumps them. As their answer stumps me when I suggest they visit some day:




Yes, my foreign friends - every day I battle creatures of varying appearances and deadliness in the attempt to stay alive another day. Our city streets are filled with deadly creatures around every corner, and instead of parking my car outside the uni, I dismount my kangaroo in the paddock across the road where he and my classmates' bouncy steeds graze for the day.

I won't deny that my beautiful, rugged country is home to many a biting and stinging creature, but hey - not all of us go stumbling around in the bush or the desert all day. That's just looking for trouble! Besides, our most common furry, eight legged friends are quite harmless. Daddy long legs are my favourite, because they scare off other spiders and look hilarious, and huntsman's, while looking big and scary, are like the eight-legged equivalent of a kitten! So harmless, and easy to take care of with a spritz of Mortein, or a carefully aimed rubber thong if they're really getting your knickers in a knot. Anyway, I haven't seen a single spider in 6 months, so there's a statistic for you!

These puzzling remarks from the inhabitants of "The Mother Country" really got me thinking - what sort of garbage are people telling these Brits to have them so scared out of their wits of our country? And hey, Tourism Australia - WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE YA?

So, after a little reflection and a lot of tweeting, I decided it was about time I set my foreign readers straight and gave them this post - 6 Reasons Why Australia is Worth Visiting, or in the words of Lara Bingle, Where the Bloody Hell Are Ya?

Obviously, the first and foremost reason you should visit Australia is because I'm here. Simple as that! I love cake, am a mean chef and quite enjoy long walks on the beach at sunset. I would also make a great tour guide - I'm great at making up random 'facts' and almost every time I'm lost, I discover a beautiful place I've never been before!
With a sexy head like this, why wouldn't you want to visit me? ;)

The second reason you should all jump on the next plane to Australia is the weather (duh!). I'm sure you all don't need me to rub it in, but it's the middle of winter here right now, and as far as I can tell from all your moaning on the majestical world of the internet, we are STILL having better weather than you are! I'm talking mid-twenties in the middle of winter. YEP, YOU HEARD ME! If it gets below 20, I pull out the Ugg boots and thick, wooly jumpers. You see, we Australians like to think we own the sun, and occasionally we let the UK borrow it while we are sleeping. We Australians are greedy bastards though, and that's why if you beat us in sport you have shit weather! True fact.

I'm going to go right out on a limb here and say that you should all visit Australia for the culture! Don't snigger, I'm being serious! We're unique! We're also hilarious. Where else is it acceptable to head out for the day in boardies, thongs and a singlet, swear like a sailor, crack open your first beer at breakfast, and put dead 'orse on a meat pie and call it breakfast? We have more public holidays than any other country in the world, and I've also been told by reliable sources that we are remarkably nice people, and extremely laid-back!

Now, I know that all you foreigners really like to think of Australia as home to only the most dangerous and ugly creatures, but there really are some very cute and unique animals on this continent! We have koalas and emus and kangaroos and platypuses and a whole host of other pretty creatures roaming around! Not to mention the sea life, which includes my personal favourite animal, the dolphin! These little buggers aren't elusive, either. I have personally made a kangaroo into road kill (by accident, guys!), cuddled a koala, petted an echidna and swam with a dolphin. Anything is possible in the Chosen Land!

D'aww! Why wouldn't you want to visit the country 
that's home to this furry, little creature? Via

Another reason to visit my wonderful country is the food! Okay, so we may not be as classy as the French, or as clever as the Italians (I mean, come on! Pizza is like, the best invention ever, right?) but we do have some mean cuisine of our own which I'd be happy to show you! First of all, VEGEMITE! Black gold, the lifeblood of the land, it is the single most delicious thing IN THE WORLD! Meat pies (not technically Aussie, but definitely an icon of our country) are the  best hangover food ever invented, and a good substitute for breakfast if you've run out of Vegemite. We are also pretty good at sweets! I mean, it was an Aussie who invented pavlova, lamingtons and ANZAC biscuits, and who doesn't love a good, fresh fruit and whipped cream covered pav?

If you don't think this is hilarious, there's something wrong with you.

Last, but not least, and one of the most important reasons that I think everyone should visit Australia is the landscape. We lovingly like to refer to our country as God's Playground, because if ever there was a God, he must've put a great deal of effort and imagination into creating this place. Kilometre upon kilometre of sandy, deserted beaches with water so crystal clear that you can see the fish swimming beneath you while you're out past the break. Waves pounding against rugged cliffs, covered in bright vegetation. Sandy, orange deserts stretch through the middle of our continent, and cattle stations are dispersed throughout barely habitable land. The big rock in the centre of our country is incredibly famous for a mound of hardened dirt, but it is not the only natural wonder you will see when travelling our land. Around every corner there is a surprise, whether it be a cool rainforest, home to crashing waterfalls and brightly coloured birds; rock formations in the desert; mountains shaped like something tangible, with dreamtime stories to explain their existence. Vast, colourful reef can only be explored properly by snorkelling or diving. It's like a whole other world under there. We could find Nemo, if you wish? Or maybe the wonder you've stumbled across is a crumbling natural arch creating a bridge out into the ocean, or on the low-tide, a tunnel under which to walk hand-in-hand, making footprints in the sand. Even from where I sit right now, looking out my window the view is so diverse and so breath-taking. To the left I see blue-green mountains stretching off in the distance, and to the right the ocean stretches between myself and the city in the distance, where the sun is glinting off the glass in tall buildings. Closer to home, bright, neon kites dot the sky as kite-boarders ride the north-easterly wind up and down the coast. 

I promise you, if you ever have the opportunity to travel to my country, you will not be disappointed. It's not all spiders, sunburn and blue-ringed octopi! The people are friendly, the blokes are well-built and surf, and the atmosphere is unlike any other you have ever experienced. If you're lucky, you might even get to cuddle a koala! I may be biased, but I truly believe this is the most beautiful place on the planet, and if you ever do come and visit, it will take your breath away!

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